Blaugust 20/31: Prhyme Ministers

There's this sucker called Belghast who let's people into his blogging festival without vetting them appropriately.

This post is dedicated, with my humblest apologies, to Blair Trewin at the BOM.

Every year, after Blaugust, myself, my good friend Dan, and any other poor buggers that we can con into it participate in the festival of Raptember, the purpose of which is to duke it out to decide which of us is the hippest and the hoppest. The medium, freshly-composed raps, aiming for one each week. I ALWAYS fall short of this goal, and one of the reasons for this is that I tend to attempt ludicrously ambitious projects.

Almost a year after Blaugust 2014, I've finally finished a draft version of one of those projects, which I share with you here now because you've been so friendly dropping by for the last three weeks, and I think it's time for you all to know just how phat I really am.

Here's the video, best enjoyed with your speakers on maximum volume. Trigger warnings for imitation Victorian accents, poor production value, left-wing biased content and bad suits apply.

Sir Edmund Barton, I invented Federation,

out of colonies divisive carved a new and greater nation.

And I started off in style, White Australia Policy,

'cause the Chinese and White folk were not made for equality.

Alfred Deakin's the name, the father of Protectionism,

Took Ed's job and then I got him a plumb High Court position.

It's hard to get much done when you're in minority,

but I must have done alright, I got a university.

I'm Chris Watson, youngest PM you ever knew

and I led the Labor party when we spelt it with a "U".

We got a third of the seats, but every vote we make advances.

Not passing all that many laws, but we're taking all our chances.

I'm Reid, George Reid, they call me "Yes-No".

My free trade philosophy it ain't got long to go.

But I ain't getting nothing done, and it's a fact that I'm quittin',

going home to be elected to the parliament in Britain.

Guess who's back? Alfred Deakin. An' I'm still the real deal.

I'll build the first non-British navy in the British Commonweal.

I tried conscription, rescued New Guinea from the Poms,

dreamed up the Bureau of Statistics then I set us up the BOM.

They call me Andrew Fisher, I'm the future of Labor,

setting stages for the scenes that I'll be back to act out later.

We're the party for the people, raising pensions all around,

and we'll pay with brand new taxes which we'll raise in Aussie pounds.

Guess who's back, back again? Yep, It's Deakin, ol' neighbour.

Got a newer bigger party I can use to battle Labor;

CLP, baby, but we're 'the Fusion' in a fight.

Might be the Judas of the left but I'm messiah to the Right.

Yo, it's Fisher, I'm back, and this time in majority.

Reforming everything from postage to leave for maternity.

And I'll finally end the battle between Melbourne and Sydney;

I'll move the capital to Canberra in the brand new ACT.

I am Joseph Cook, elected with a hostile senate,

made untenable by virtue of the Labor men within it.

So I triggered an election and it might have been enough,

but a war broke out in Europe and then my chances were stuffed.

Hey, it's Fisher again, a proven hand on the tiller,

but I'm a little ill now, and I'm just gonna get iller,

I'm backing England every shilling, but in the most trying time,

I'm going AWOL from my post and I gotta resign.

I'm up next, the 'little digger', aka Billy Hughes;

Noisesome demagogue in peacetime getting Aussies their dues.

I led Labor, then I started up my own parties twice.

Resigned the job then got appointed again, ain't that nice?

I am Stanley Bruce, war hero and Gallipoli witness,

building economy, I wanna be the friend to all business.

You know I formed the AFP, also the CSIRO,

but my reforms made unions mad, I lost my seat and gotta go.

James Scullin's the name, I could have been a reformer,

but the Depression was Great, and robbed me of my Nessun Dorma.

Through corruption and division, didn't meet with my goals,

the Labor party split apart, and we got wrecked in the polls.

I'm Joseph Lyons yet another new defector from Labor,

I lead a party of my own I call United Australia.

I was Tasmania's favourite son, universally admired,

but after seven years in charge I had a heart attack and died.

The name's Earle Page, I wasn't in charge for that long,

but got a suburb, a Division, and a verse in this song,

On the Prime Minister's Avenue there's a bust of my face.

Not too bad for only holding down a job twenty days.

I'm Menzies, and you'd better get used to me, bro.

I'll stand astride the land like the Colossus of Rhodes.

I'll be back stronger, for longer, so calm all your fears.

Going now but I'll be back to rule for seventeen years.

Artie Fadden, Country leader, both the party and nation.

The UAP got desperate so I led the Coalition.

They call me "Flood Fadden", reigned for forty days and nights,

then some members crossed the floor: I guess we weren't watertight.

I'm Curtin, if you're unemployed, or widowed, or unfed,

or Indigenous, or pregnant, or retired or dead,

got a benefit for you; and on the side I'll win the war,

with alliances all 'round. Then I'll knock on Hades' door.

Frankie Forde is the name, caretaker filling Curtin's shoes

I'm gonna try to make it stick but it's a ballot I'll lose.

In the shortest term ever, my days are numbered at eight.

Ben Chifley's got the numbers, I'm resigned to my fate.

Yeah, Ben Chifley's got the numbers, and here's one you can learn

I passed Two-hundred ninety-nine reforms in one three-year term.

We'll have a Snowy Mountain Scheme to power New South Wales, yo.

And Qantas and the PBS, the ANU and ASIO.

Sir Robert Menzies, and I hope that you remember me well.

Founder of the Liberals with a capital L.

Representing 'gainst the left, for the forgotten middle classes,

and I'm here to kick those commie Labor buggers on their arses.

I'm Harold Holt, I never thought old Bob there would quit.

You don't know nothing 'bout my term, but you all know my exit.

Disappeared, presumed drowned, but please don't think me a fool.

One day soon I'll give my name to a memorial swimming pool!

John "Black Jack" McEwen, - yet another stand-in

leader of the Country party. Gonna have a hand in

making sure McMahon won't be the leader while I'm sittin'.

Not if the Liberals want to keep themselves a working coalition.

John Gorton, a senator in charge of the nation?

The Westminster tradition will just have to be patient.

For a little while there I ran the place without a seat,

and I cast the final vote that kicked me back to Deputy.

They call me Billy McMahon, because that is my name.

Fifth straight Country/Liberal PM, my claim to fame.

Minister for twenty years, now I'm facing rejection.

PM for twenty months, but never won an election.

It's time for Labor again, I'm the unstoppable Gough.

With 23 years to plan, three years might not be enough.

Uni fees got removed, each urban home got a sewer,

then I suffered the Dismissal at the hands of John Kerr.

Malcolm Fraser, I'm a Liberal, and I know what it means.

Put SBS on the TV, and I admitted refugees.

I like my coalition strong, and my dissolutions double,

Called a surprise election 'cause I think this Hawke guy is trouble.

I'm Bob Hawke, if it's trouble that you want then I'm here.

I'm a lover, and a fighter, love my sport and my beer.

I went and floated the dollar, then I created Medicare.

You want a national song, how 'bout Advance Australia Fair?

They call me Keating, Australia's Placido Domingo.

Out of the shadow of Hawke, in charge and doing ya slow.

You gotta believe me that this recession was vital.

Got a vision of Republic and of nation title.

Honest John Howard, the Aussie battlers vote for me.

I'm instituting gun control, and setting up the GST.

I'm Araldited in place, won't give the job to Costello.

Be sending troops to Iraq, and 'sylum seekers to hell-o.

Ruddy's the name, ruddy's the complexion.

Beat Johnny in my Kevin '07 election.

Signed the Kyoto Protocol, and I made The Apology,

then the faceless men of Labor bloody went and backstabbed me.

I'm the woman in charge, they call me Julia Gillard,

took us a hundred years to get here and the mysogony's still hard.

Moving forward though the parliament is dangerously hung,

but in taxing mines and carbon left my polls in the dung.

Hey, it's Kevin back again for the upcoming election.

I don't hold a grudge at all for my unsightly ejection.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle, it's come down to this;

a vote for me's a vote for starting up an ETS.

Tony Abbott, I'm the PM at the end of this song.

Far too soon to judge my story while it's still goin' on.

But it's fair to say my stopping things'll put me on the map;

Stopped the boats, the carbon tax, and now I'm gonna stop the rap.

If you feel like I was unfair to your favourite Aussie PM, why not drop me a line, maybe we can give their verse a bit of a face-lift before version 3.

Blaugust 14/31: Neck-and-Neck Election

This post is part of the Antipodean contribution to Blaugust East.

Last week we packed up our board games, and this week I hope that you'll help me pack up those most treasured of my possessions, my ties. Some major stakeholders have suggested that my complete collection of neck-ties doesn't need to travel to England, so we're doing a cull down to a more manageable six. In order to do so, I thought we'd hold an election, partly because it's much more fun to hold elections than it is to just pick, partly because we're into week two of Blaugust and we're looking increasingly hard-up for content, but mostly because I want to revel in the joys of the nuanced political system that we enjoy here in Australia in comparison to other jurisdictions.

Thus, we'll be running a little ballot. The system will closely imitate the partial-preferential voting system that has been proposed as a refinement of our current method for electing Australian Senators, bringing upper-house votes in line with lower-house ones by allowing individuals to direct their own preferences whether they choose to cast their votes for parties en masse "above the line", or for individual candidates "below the line".

The beauty of this Australian system is that you can choose to direct your preferences if desired, so that even if your preferred candidate is eliminated your second choice still gets the benefit of your vote, and if your second candidate is eliminated the third gets your vote, et cetera. This means that your vote, provided that it is valid, will always be counted, and if you choose to allocate full preferences, it can never be exhausted and thus wasted on a candidate with no chance to win. And since we're electing for multiple places here, even if your candidate isn't the most popular, they might still win a place in the suitcase.

People from first-past-the-post systems think this is weird. But just imagine the situation for a hypothetical conservative voter in the in the UK election in May. Instead of having to vote for the lesser of two evils between the Labour Party and the SNP, you could rank your actually preferences and have them count for something! In a theoretical year 2016 AD in a US where Donald Trump runs as an Independent, you could rank him first and then the Republicans, and thus not disadvantage either by splitting their vote when compared to the Democratic candidate! Amazing, I know! And we've been doing it like this since 1918! There's some details about quotas and single-transferable votes and all that nonsense, but like most Australians, you don't really care how it actually works, so, moving on...

To facilitate a vote, I have sorted my tie pile into a selection of "parties", then ranked the candidates in each party and placed them on the ballot form available here. You may choose to either rank the parties in order of your preference (or just pick one if you don't like any of the others!) or rank individual candidate in order of your preference (as long as you vote for at least as many ties as there is room for in the suitcase). In other words, you can be a snob like I always am at elections and spend forever picking your favourite ties, or you can just select your favourite category, get the whole thing finished, and rush outside to the sausage sizzle.

Meet the Candidates

The candidates for election have been collected below. The parties have been randomised, and the candidates in each party organised in order of party preference. (Yes, I know some eagle-eyed following will realise that some of my ties are missing, but I've collected all the ones that I can find!)

 The Liberty Party (LIB)

The Liberty Party consist of those ties that are bright enough to make me smile every time that I see them, but just a little too bright to be appropriate in an office environment. They're wedding ties, mostly. 

1. Carribean Silk

2. The Yellow Thai

3. Green Sakura

4. Bad at Tetris

5. Crimson Tide

The Conservative Party (CON)

The Conservative party are dependable, solid manager types. The kind of ties that never draw comment. This isn't to say that they're boring, they're just the sort of tie that Bill Shorten would wear. The party leader, Polytetrafluoroethtielene, is Mrs. Owl's favourite. I'm not sure what that says about her.

1. Polytetrafluoroethtielene 

2. The Gopher

3. The Straight and Narrow

4. Thin Blue Line

5. Thin Red Line

6. The Islander

7. Grandma's Couch

8. Flashy Suit

 The Dad Party (DAD)

The Dad party is made up of the kind of ties that your dad used to wear in those photos from when you were a little kid, but now sit rotting in the back of the wardrobe.

1. Electric Boogaloo

2. Grade Four Teacher

3. All Aboard

4. Rumanian Garden Party

5. Tiny Teddies

6. The Smiths

7. Tropical Clouds

8. The Father-in-Law

9. Dalmation Question

The Christmas Party (CHR)

The Christmas party split from the Cartoon party after a bit of a falling out over how funny Christmas crackers are. They're the only party with a catchy campaign song.

1. Tannenbaum

2. Elf 1

3. Ho Ho Oh No

4. Elf 2

The Democratic Party (DEM)

The Democratic Party are a the centrist party that forms the middle ground between the Liberals and the Conservatives. You can wear them to work but they're probably going to get comments/

1. The Travelator

2. The Crimson Peacock.

3. Binary State

4. Yellow River

5. Donkey Congo

6. The Tiesellator

7. Infinite Apartment

The Dotty Party  (DOT)

The Dotty party aren't really anybody's favourites, but they get a lot of support in rural areas. They've previously supported the Conservatives to form a government.

1. The Amicable Vicar

2. Invictus

3. The Mycroft

4. Fade to Blue

5. The Garbo

6. Prince of Persia

7. Eye of Saruman

8. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

The U.N.C.L.E. Alliance (UNC)

The U.N.C.L.E. alliance is made up of the kind of ties that appeal to those weird uncles. There's the Aussie Tie Uncle, the Bow Tie Uncle, and the Uncle That Still Wears His School Tie.

1. Australian Orienteer

2. Penny Black

3. Great and Small

4. Bitters

5. Penny Green

6. Tie-ota

7. The Classic Telecom

The Cartoonist's Party (CAR)

No-one messes with the Cartoonist's Party because they don't want to be the next target.

1. Oh Tintin, my Tintin

2. Oh Mickey, You're So Fine

3. Internet 1.0

4. Mouses

5. Send in Sinatra

6. Mister Hyde

7. Steak Sandwich

The Paisley Coalition (PAI)

The Paisley Coalition is an amalgam of the previous Paisley Party and the Diagonal Lines Party. This diversity works surprisingly well for them.

1. Popular Penguins

2. The Red Wedding

3. M.C. 4 Lyfe

4. Construction Site

5. Vintage Wallpaper

6. The Postman Delivers

7. Both Sides Now

8. Spud

9. Fibulae Jugulum

10. The Clone

11. Rot Stops Here

Since by visiting the site you've registered for voting, and in Australian elections all registered voters must do their democratic duty or risk a fine, you'd better consider your options and then go vote. This is the great moral challenge of our age, people.

Blaugust 13/31: Vexillologists of the World Rejoice!

This is part 13 of 31 in my effort to corrupt Blaugust with a touch of the Leaflocker madness.

If you're hip with the vexillological news, or you've noticed me being a wag about it on twitter of late, then you'll know that our antipodean neighbours, New Zealand, are in the process of narrowing down a field of 10,292(!) proposed flags to 4, in order to hold a series of referenda about replacing their current National Flag with a brand-spanking new one. This is of great interest to me not only because I'm a sucker for a good flag, but also because the NZ flag is quite similar to our own, and changes to their flag will certainly reignite the debate here about updating the national banner.

The issues facing our flags are similar. They both fly the Union Jack in canton, and these days we treasure our independence from the Mother Country, so they look pretty dated. To the indigenous groups of both countries, these flags represent a long history the subjugation and repression at the hands of white settlers and governments. And of course, people keep confusing the two with each other. There's a lot of support for the current flags too, especially amongst veterans groups, so it won't be an easy process, but nevertheless, NZ is going down the path of selecting a candidate and running a public vote.

An independent panel has been made responsible to setting the criteria for a flag based on the values of the people of New Zealand. This process produced some handy statements: "A great flag should be distinctive and so simple it can be drawn by a child from memory. A great flag is timeless and communicates swiftly and potently the essence of the country it represents. A flag should carry sufficient dignity to be appropriate for all situations in which New Zealanders might be represented. It should speak to all Kiwis. Our hope is that New Zealanders will see themselves reflected in these flags’ symbols, colour and stories." and "The message was clear, and the Panel agreed. A potential new flag should unmistakably be from New Zealand and celebrate us as a progressive, inclusive nation that is connected to its environment, and has a sense of its past and a vision for its future."

As an Australian, I might have some difficulty judging what speaks to New Zealanders, but from those statements, here's a list of criteria that I think you can actually just a flag on:

1) Symbolic - The symbols and colours used should be meaningful.
2) Identifiable -  It should scream New Zealand.
3) Inclusive - It shouldn't use exclusively either British or Maori symbols.
4) Distinctive - It can't look like any other national flag.
5) Simple - It must pass the Betsy Ross test.
6) Timeless - It shouldn't feature the 2015 All-Blacks.
7) Dignified - It shouldn't look like a brand, and should be attractive in and of itself.

Of these, most are pretty self-explanatory, but I thought we'd dwell on the symbols for a moment. The symbols that I recognise as representative of NZ are:

1) The Southern Cross - Yeah, NZ is in the South. This recognises their colonial past without being the Union Jack itself. The NZ cross has only four stars, unlike the Australian one which has five.
2) The Koru - A symbol from Maori art, the Koru (a fern bud) represents life, peace and strength and the Maori people generally. It may be opposed by non-Maori conservatives.
3) The Silver Fern - The fern (generally silver on black) is used by NZ sporting teams, and widely recognised as a symbol of NZ and its environment and a compromise between the Koru and the cross.

4) Red/White/Black - These are NZ's long-standing official colours. They're represented on the nations awards, and in the Tino Rangatiratanga, the country's generally-accepted Maori flag.
5) Red/White/Blue - Colours on the current flag.

Added bonus: For all you stats nerds out there, the panel has helpfully produced these graphs and tables detailing the usage of these and other ideas in the 10,292 proposed flags. Which is most awesome, in this stats nerd's opinion.

The expert panel has whittled these 10,000 entries to 40, which have been roundly panned by everybody, of course. All that remains now is for us to turn our unschooled, culturally insensitive eye to the 40 flags on the long-list and make our calls. I hope you'll disagree vehemently with my choices and that we'll have it out in the comments section. I'm going to attempt to rate with reference to the above criteria, but let my gut drive the overall numbers, as always.

Black & White Fern

7. This is very familiar to us as similar to the straight silver fern on black used by many NZ sporting teams. But more complex and thus less attractive. If people don't want to use the sporting flag then they won't want this.

Koru (Black)

7. Attractive and simple, but I don't think there's enough here to make it look like a flag instead of a corporate symbol. I also think the Koru by itself won't win out with non-Maori voters.

NZ One

5. I think this is a less attractive, less 'flaggy' version of the previous flag.

Tukutuku

5. It's distinctive with its weaving motif, but the colours don't really work and it doesn't feel like a flag one could go to war under.

Fern (Green, Black & White)

6. See comments on the first fern, except that the colours aren't very attractive.

Inclusive

5. It's unattractive design-wise, feels too unbalanced.

Raranga

7. For me, this is a much sexier version of Tukutuku above. The designer's gone with a weaving motif rather than a more common one, but it combines Maori and Western culture in one distinctive design. I don't know that it shouts NZ, and I'd make the Southern Cross bigger, but this is my favourite so far.

Unity Koru (Red & Blue)

4. I don't like this at all. It's not recognisably a Koru to me, so it doesn't say NZ. And this colour scheme and division had ben hijacked by the NBA too much for it to not feel like a brand. Symbolic, but not the flag for me.

The Seven Stars of Matariki

6. Hrmm... a Southern Cross that feels distinctly New Zealand when compared to other constellations, but I don't think a constellation by itself is enough to identify a nation. I like it, but I'd like it a lot more if there was a nod to history and the stars were coloured-in red like the current flag.

Curly Koru

7. See, this is nice, there's a nod to history in the colours but it's dominated by the Koru, but the NBA problem rears its ugly head again. I suspect that this will be a common problem, and this copes better than any of the other examples I've seen.

White & Black Fern

7. See "Black & White Fern". I think this one is very slightly superior.

Silver Fern (Black & Silver)

4. Yuck Yuck Yuck. Take a good symbol and make it look bad.

New Southern Cross

4. One for the traditionalists, there's not any nod to the indigenous culture here, and it's just really boring.

Silver Fern (Black,White & Blue)

6. Aswap-out of the Union Jack for the silver fern. I don't think it's timeless, as aesthetically it would be better if they chose either black or blue, but this will be popular.

Unity Fern (Red & Blue)

7. I really like this. Largely white flags look a little strange, though.

Manawa (Black & Green)

8. See, I don't get the fascination with green. This is a really, really sexy modern design, but it would be so much better with red. Maybe that would be TOO Maori, though, so maybe swap the black with blue as well.

Land Of The Long White Cloud (Traditional Blue)

6. I like the balance, but the swipe feels too much like a Nike swoosh to me.

Silver Fern (Black,White & Red)

10. Yes. This should be the new flag, you Kiwi dudes. History, native culture, identifiability, design. This is it!

Black Jack

8. When I first saw this, I threw it out immediately as too British, and I still think it is, but I also really admire the effort to merge the Maori culture into the current flag rather than elements of the current flag into a new symbol. Those Koru's as part of the Jack, they are amazing. I could live with this being my flag.

Land Of The Long White Cloud (Ocean Blue)

5. Too 'Pacific Island' for me. Yes, I know where NZ is, but you know what I mean.

Southern Cross Horizon

6. Clever. But too corporate. More boring than the world's most boring flags.

Silver Fern (Red, White & Blue)

7. I suspect this is more popular than the black version, but it just shouldn't be. It has NBA problems again, and we all associate black with NZ so much more than blue.

Koru and Stars

6. See, I like the idea of this better than the version with the fern, but the execution is just not as good.

Silver Fern (Black & White)

9. This is widely used already and very popular. I don't think it's as good at the black and red version, but it has history on its side and if people can get over the fact that in the past it's mostly been used for sport, this will win. People that think it's like the ISIS flag are a little misguided.

Southern Koru

5. See, this is really similar to the Manawa one that I love, but this doesn't work for me. I think it's the white. Lots of white on flags just looks weird.

Silver Fern (Black with Red Stars)

7. Either pick the plain silver fern or do something a little more different. This is boring.

Moving Forward

5. This is ugly design-wise. As I now that I've seen the Manawa flags I can't prefer a Koru flag to them.

Huihui/Together

5. Old world countries have tricolours. We should leave them well alone. Looks like a school logo or similar.

Wa kainga/Home

4. This is probably very symbolic and all, but it doesn't say anything to me.

Silver Fern (Green) 

7. I just don't get the green thing. NZ is a very green country, don't get me wrong, but it's just a colour I don't associate with their flags.

Embrace (Red & Blue) 
7. I really like this combination treatment of the fern and koru. It seems so intuitive and totally works. This one has NBA problems, but if it were in black...maybe a little too Papua New Guinea?

New Zealand Matariki

7. I like the green thing on this. That's clearly the land under the long white cloud, and there's the sky. I really like this design, but I don't think it works when hanging vertically, which I think is an important element.

Unity Koru

7. This is really well balanced. So well balanced that I think people will struggle to tell it apart from France.

Finding Unity in Community

7. I like the asymettry of this one, but the blue and black thing still doesn't work for me. It feels very New Zealand, but I can't see it beating some of the other candidates with similar themes.

Koru Fin

6. It's not this flag's fault, but I'm over Koru and stars motifs now. This one doesn't speak to me.

Koru (Blue)

6. Sister to Koru (Black) but with an inferior palette.

Manawa (Blue & Green) 
7. This isn't as nice as the other Manawa design. It's...just kinda weird.

Red Peak

4. Nope.

Pikopiko

5. The colours remind me a lot of my time in New Zealand, but they're just not... flaggy.

Modern Hundertwasser

8. This is actually really good. It feels like a flag. If it were red it would have scraped into the top four.

The TL:DR version?

The New Zealanders should pick between these four flags, but decide on the last one to duke it out with the current flag.

Good luck with the choices, my New Zealand brethren, and congratulations for having the debate. You're so far ahead of us in so many ways that if you're not careful all the Australians are going to move over there.