Blaugust 20/31: Prhyme Ministers

There's this sucker called Belghast who let's people into his blogging festival without vetting them appropriately.

This post is dedicated, with my humblest apologies, to Blair Trewin at the BOM.

Every year, after Blaugust, myself, my good friend Dan, and any other poor buggers that we can con into it participate in the festival of Raptember, the purpose of which is to duke it out to decide which of us is the hippest and the hoppest. The medium, freshly-composed raps, aiming for one each week. I ALWAYS fall short of this goal, and one of the reasons for this is that I tend to attempt ludicrously ambitious projects.

Almost a year after Blaugust 2014, I've finally finished a draft version of one of those projects, which I share with you here now because you've been so friendly dropping by for the last three weeks, and I think it's time for you all to know just how phat I really am.

Here's the video, best enjoyed with your speakers on maximum volume. Trigger warnings for imitation Victorian accents, poor production value, left-wing biased content and bad suits apply.

Sir Edmund Barton, I invented Federation,

out of colonies divisive carved a new and greater nation.

And I started off in style, White Australia Policy,

'cause the Chinese and White folk were not made for equality.

Alfred Deakin's the name, the father of Protectionism,

Took Ed's job and then I got him a plumb High Court position.

It's hard to get much done when you're in minority,

but I must have done alright, I got a university.

I'm Chris Watson, youngest PM you ever knew

and I led the Labor party when we spelt it with a "U".

We got a third of the seats, but every vote we make advances.

Not passing all that many laws, but we're taking all our chances.

I'm Reid, George Reid, they call me "Yes-No".

My free trade philosophy it ain't got long to go.

But I ain't getting nothing done, and it's a fact that I'm quittin',

going home to be elected to the parliament in Britain.

Guess who's back? Alfred Deakin. An' I'm still the real deal.

I'll build the first non-British navy in the British Commonweal.

I tried conscription, rescued New Guinea from the Poms,

dreamed up the Bureau of Statistics then I set us up the BOM.

They call me Andrew Fisher, I'm the future of Labor,

setting stages for the scenes that I'll be back to act out later.

We're the party for the people, raising pensions all around,

and we'll pay with brand new taxes which we'll raise in Aussie pounds.

Guess who's back, back again? Yep, It's Deakin, ol' neighbour.

Got a newer bigger party I can use to battle Labor;

CLP, baby, but we're 'the Fusion' in a fight.

Might be the Judas of the left but I'm messiah to the Right.

Yo, it's Fisher, I'm back, and this time in majority.

Reforming everything from postage to leave for maternity.

And I'll finally end the battle between Melbourne and Sydney;

I'll move the capital to Canberra in the brand new ACT.

I am Joseph Cook, elected with a hostile senate,

made untenable by virtue of the Labor men within it.

So I triggered an election and it might have been enough,

but a war broke out in Europe and then my chances were stuffed.

Hey, it's Fisher again, a proven hand on the tiller,

but I'm a little ill now, and I'm just gonna get iller,

I'm backing England every shilling, but in the most trying time,

I'm going AWOL from my post and I gotta resign.

I'm up next, the 'little digger', aka Billy Hughes;

Noisesome demagogue in peacetime getting Aussies their dues.

I led Labor, then I started up my own parties twice.

Resigned the job then got appointed again, ain't that nice?

I am Stanley Bruce, war hero and Gallipoli witness,

building economy, I wanna be the friend to all business.

You know I formed the AFP, also the CSIRO,

but my reforms made unions mad, I lost my seat and gotta go.

James Scullin's the name, I could have been a reformer,

but the Depression was Great, and robbed me of my Nessun Dorma.

Through corruption and division, didn't meet with my goals,

the Labor party split apart, and we got wrecked in the polls.

I'm Joseph Lyons yet another new defector from Labor,

I lead a party of my own I call United Australia.

I was Tasmania's favourite son, universally admired,

but after seven years in charge I had a heart attack and died.

The name's Earle Page, I wasn't in charge for that long,

but got a suburb, a Division, and a verse in this song,

On the Prime Minister's Avenue there's a bust of my face.

Not too bad for only holding down a job twenty days.

I'm Menzies, and you'd better get used to me, bro.

I'll stand astride the land like the Colossus of Rhodes.

I'll be back stronger, for longer, so calm all your fears.

Going now but I'll be back to rule for seventeen years.

Artie Fadden, Country leader, both the party and nation.

The UAP got desperate so I led the Coalition.

They call me "Flood Fadden", reigned for forty days and nights,

then some members crossed the floor: I guess we weren't watertight.

I'm Curtin, if you're unemployed, or widowed, or unfed,

or Indigenous, or pregnant, or retired or dead,

got a benefit for you; and on the side I'll win the war,

with alliances all 'round. Then I'll knock on Hades' door.

Frankie Forde is the name, caretaker filling Curtin's shoes

I'm gonna try to make it stick but it's a ballot I'll lose.

In the shortest term ever, my days are numbered at eight.

Ben Chifley's got the numbers, I'm resigned to my fate.

Yeah, Ben Chifley's got the numbers, and here's one you can learn

I passed Two-hundred ninety-nine reforms in one three-year term.

We'll have a Snowy Mountain Scheme to power New South Wales, yo.

And Qantas and the PBS, the ANU and ASIO.

Sir Robert Menzies, and I hope that you remember me well.

Founder of the Liberals with a capital L.

Representing 'gainst the left, for the forgotten middle classes,

and I'm here to kick those commie Labor buggers on their arses.

I'm Harold Holt, I never thought old Bob there would quit.

You don't know nothing 'bout my term, but you all know my exit.

Disappeared, presumed drowned, but please don't think me a fool.

One day soon I'll give my name to a memorial swimming pool!

John "Black Jack" McEwen, - yet another stand-in

leader of the Country party. Gonna have a hand in

making sure McMahon won't be the leader while I'm sittin'.

Not if the Liberals want to keep themselves a working coalition.

John Gorton, a senator in charge of the nation?

The Westminster tradition will just have to be patient.

For a little while there I ran the place without a seat,

and I cast the final vote that kicked me back to Deputy.

They call me Billy McMahon, because that is my name.

Fifth straight Country/Liberal PM, my claim to fame.

Minister for twenty years, now I'm facing rejection.

PM for twenty months, but never won an election.

It's time for Labor again, I'm the unstoppable Gough.

With 23 years to plan, three years might not be enough.

Uni fees got removed, each urban home got a sewer,

then I suffered the Dismissal at the hands of John Kerr.

Malcolm Fraser, I'm a Liberal, and I know what it means.

Put SBS on the TV, and I admitted refugees.

I like my coalition strong, and my dissolutions double,

Called a surprise election 'cause I think this Hawke guy is trouble.

I'm Bob Hawke, if it's trouble that you want then I'm here.

I'm a lover, and a fighter, love my sport and my beer.

I went and floated the dollar, then I created Medicare.

You want a national song, how 'bout Advance Australia Fair?

They call me Keating, Australia's Placido Domingo.

Out of the shadow of Hawke, in charge and doing ya slow.

You gotta believe me that this recession was vital.

Got a vision of Republic and of nation title.

Honest John Howard, the Aussie battlers vote for me.

I'm instituting gun control, and setting up the GST.

I'm Araldited in place, won't give the job to Costello.

Be sending troops to Iraq, and 'sylum seekers to hell-o.

Ruddy's the name, ruddy's the complexion.

Beat Johnny in my Kevin '07 election.

Signed the Kyoto Protocol, and I made The Apology,

then the faceless men of Labor bloody went and backstabbed me.

I'm the woman in charge, they call me Julia Gillard,

took us a hundred years to get here and the mysogony's still hard.

Moving forward though the parliament is dangerously hung,

but in taxing mines and carbon left my polls in the dung.

Hey, it's Kevin back again for the upcoming election.

I don't hold a grudge at all for my unsightly ejection.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle, it's come down to this;

a vote for me's a vote for starting up an ETS.

Tony Abbott, I'm the PM at the end of this song.

Far too soon to judge my story while it's still goin' on.

But it's fair to say my stopping things'll put me on the map;

Stopped the boats, the carbon tax, and now I'm gonna stop the rap.

If you feel like I was unfair to your favourite Aussie PM, why not drop me a line, maybe we can give their verse a bit of a face-lift before version 3.