Thursday, 18 October 2012

Raptember III: Sarajevizzle Rapdizzle

Dan followed up his masterpiece of madness from the week before with this charming little number, which I thought was my favourite of the month. Listening to Dan talk about pre-WWI Europe is always fun.

In the early months of eighteen-seventy-one,
von Bismark was out there, havin' his fun.
He marched his ol' army into Alsace-Lorraine;
Would'nt exit from France, unless they paid for the train.
He took all their cash, kept some of the land,
and to stop other nations from takin' a stand,
proclaimed the Empire of Germany there
and made a network of allies like he just didn't care.

One such alliance, the Dreikaiserbund pact
united Germany with two powers, in fact:
Austria-Hung'ry, the German's ol' friend
and the Bear of the East, who's lands never end.
This was all signed in one-eight-seven-three,
and poor little France looked all lost at sea.
But Russia had visions of it's noble fate,
as protector of Balkan's in '78.

'cos Austria wanted to master the Slavs
and Russia denied them by blockin' their paths.
The Dreikaiserbund at once fell apart,
But Bismark, he knew it was only the start.
The followin' year the Hun was inclined
to charm Austria, the Dual Alliance was signed.
But that was not all, he moved like a shark,
that plottin' ol', schemin' ol' Otto Bismark.

Peace was restored when the Österreich
was forced to back down, and Otto was like,
"Russia, come hang here, Dreikaiserbund's on!
Lets all hate on France because we're so strong."
The followin' year, it was '82,
Bismark tried somethin' a little bit new:
A triple alliance with Italy's state
and once again Austria, his closest mate.

For the next five years, ev'rythin's chilled
then Russia and Austria think blood should be spilled.
Each just starts poppin' caps in the ass
of the other, and Bismarks all "You guys are a gas!"
So he just signs a new deal with the Bear -
I told you he allied just like he don' care -
But in '88 Willy II takes the crown,
and next year von Bismark gets kicked outta town.

But Kaiser Willy, he don' have a clue,
days later he simply forgets to renew
the Russian alliance. France needs nothin' more,
and signs an entente in the year '94.
Up 'til now Britain's been hangin' right back,
but from '99 to '02 they go on the attack.
They're fightin' the Germans in the Boer War,
but only in Africa, where Willy wants more.

The war ends in '02, and Britain real cheesed,
because her two rivals for new colonies
are workin' together, (that's Russia and France)
and now the proud German's refusin' to dance.
"I need a strong ally, someone who can
help me in Europe; wait, I know - JAPAN!"
All the great powers were R-O-F-L
'cos Japan was too small to serve Britain well.

Or that's what they thought, but then in '04
began the Russo-Japanese war.
The Japanese conquered, went straight for the neck,
and Russia fled screamin' "Dude! No! What the heck?"
Meanwhile Britain signs deals with the Frank
The Entente Cordiale is safe in the bank.
Three years post defeat, poor Russia joins in:
"Sign me up, Triple Entente for the win!"

The lines were drawn, though the war's not begun:
Italy, Austria-H and the Hun
versus Britain, Russia, France and Japan.
Though some of the blame goes to the Schlieffen Plan.
Austria's up to its usual tricks,
seizin' the Balkans, gettin' his kicks.
The Archduke is cruisin' about in a car,
when a terrorist cell decides he's gone to far.

This militant group is called "the Black Hand"
and chuck a bomb at ol' Ferdinand.
They miss, the bomb bounces and hits the next car,
and the would-be assassins head for a bar.
The convoy pulls over, checks everyone's fine,
then carry on, all their cars in a line,
when on the way home, the driver gets lost,
goes down the wrong street to a terrible cost.

By chance the car stalls, by chance its outside
the cafe where one terrorist went to hide.
By chance he was packin' some heat just in case,
so he goes out and shoots the Archduke in the face.
Austria thinks he can probably take'em
and issues an unreasonable ultimatum.
Still, Serbia says "We'll comply to thirteen,
but this fourteenth point we'd like to discuss, if you're keen."

"HOW DARE YOU?!" the Austrians give their reply.
"For such disobedience you all shall die."
"Do it," says Germany, right there and then,
"Do it, I'll back you up with my fine men."
But Russia cries "No! These Serbs are my kin.
Hurt one little hair, and our war will begin."
"Do it," Germany urges again,
"Do it, remember I'll lend you my men."

The Austrian strikes, the Russian's yell "Go!",
but over such distance the motion is slow.
"What?" asks the German. "Why did you attack?
Now my men will have to cover your back!"
But Schlieffen, the Gen'ral, expected no fight
with Russia where France had not joined with delight.
The only plan to take on the Tzar
was an early strike at France (Que Sera).

To hit at the east, the Hun headed west,
but not in a straight line, that could not be best.
Through Luxembourg and Belgium they fly
Then Britain yells, "Wait, Belgium's neutrality
is violated - think way back in time
we all agreed in 1839
Belgium is neutral, read it and weep,
we to the Belgians defence must now leap."

It was true they had written, in London that year,
That Belgium would never have nothin' to fear.
Britain had signed it, so had the Hun,
the Frank, the Austrian, the Bear and Belgium.
So A-H hit Serbia, Russia backs Serbs,
Germany backs Austria, and France she disturbs.
France leaps at once to her ally's defence,
and Britain aids Belgium who's trapped on the fence.

He's one hoopy frood.

1 comment:

Michael5000 said...

It's tricky
to rap a rhyme
to rap a rhyme
that's right on time
It's tricky.
It's tricky, tricky, tricky.