USA Today Crossword - June 17th 2020

When this appeared in my feed last week I was truly tempted to pick up my keyboard and go to work, but I figured that it was pretty likely that someone a little more qualified would leap to the challenge. Rex Parker (as well as being an old internet acquaintance via the spirital blogmother) is the king of angry crossword twitter and I figured his royal seal of approval would be all it would take to get a regular USA Today crossword blog up and running. As if I didn't spend enough time thinking a out crossword every day as it is.

Sadly, a week of enjoyable USA Today crosswords later and I haven't seen any evidence of a new blog appearing just yet, so in the meantime thought it might be fun to try imitating Rex's style for a little while here on the Leaflocker and share my enjoyment of the puzzle that has recently become a staple of my days in quarantine.

<--->

Yes, I'm hot in this" garment / Island whose capital is Oranjestad / Character often said to have been based on Bass Reeves / Tamal wrappers / Company with a duck mascot / "What was I thinking?"

Constructor: Zhouqin Burnikel

Difficulty: I've only been doing this puzzle for a few weeks, so it's hard to say how difficult this one was compared to usual. I'd say it's in the mid-Tuesday NYT range, which is about right for the sort of thing I've come to expect from the USA Today most of the time, and the 8:44 I took is also pretty typical for me for a puzzle completed with my clumsy thumbs.

Theme: WOLF PACK - First word of each of the three theme entries start a phrase completed with the word 'wolf'. 

• LONE RANGER (16A: Character often said to have been based on Bass Reeves)
• TEEN CHOICE AWARD (36A: One of 28 won by One Direction)
• GRAY MATTER (60A: Brains)

Sure, three theme answers doesn't feel like a lot for a puzzle without a revealer, but I've gone over the puzzle twice, and unless false wolf and cheap wolf are phrases this is what we've got. They're all definitely wolves and as a nice bonus they triggered flashbacks to a certain Michael J Fox movie that seemed to be constantly being played on Australian TV during my childhood in the '90s, so...thanks I guess?

I didn't notice the theme at all during the solve, but I did notice that the keystone One Direction clue was accompanied by a LIAM at 46 down, so I was expecting to find the names of the rest of those early-teens heartthrobs as an easter egg, but was sadly disappointed that in a grid with a LOU and a LOIS there doesn't seem to be a LOUIS hiding anywhere. If this wasn't going to be five-year-late OneD tribute puzzle, then why not use someone more current, like Taylor Swift, who has almost as many wins, or BTS, who won some awards in 2019?

That minor quibble aside, the grid was full of the good stuff that we've come to expect from the Agard-edited USA Today puzzle: Easy fill that doesn't require two many second guesses (I had START instead of RESET for a while) but avoiding a lot of the usual crosswordese dross even if there was an OWIE or two along the way, with a decent chance of the solver learning something along the way. I'd never met Yes, I'm Hot in This or Oranjestad, but they both seem like things to know about.

Clunkers: I'm not a big fan of AH I SEE, but the crossings were all pretty straight forward, so that's all good. As a non-Usonian I tend to trip up a little on brandnames, too, but since EARLE seemed inevitable AFLAC came together nicely, and a few years of buying the grape juice for communion meant that WELCHS was a gimme. Some things just don't change even on the other side of the Atlantic, it seems.

Word of the Day: SCOOTED (25A: Slid while seated) Simple, elegant, and could never be anything other than SCOOTED. Just the word itself brings back happy memories of cafeterias and camps back in the days when we spent time in the same place as other people.

There should probably be a picture or video clip or something, but I'm not going to subject you all to the highlight of 80's cinema that was Teen Wolf and my reference library of music leaves a little to be desired. So uh....

Through History with the Monday Quiz in Exile: The 1460's

The Leaflocker is currently hosting Michael5000's weekly history quiz while he takes a break from creating non-art-tournament content. I don't know if he's noticed this fact yet, but I'm not going to let a little thing like that stop me.

Some decades are so full of important events that it's hard to decide which of them to include in our weekly history quiz, and some decades are...decidedly less interesting. It's not that I think that the 1460's were boring, exactly, just that there seems to be remarkably few world-changing events going on during them. So yes, I am blaming history itself if you feel that the notable events this week seem...less notable than usual. As usual, leave your answers in the comments, and do show your workings, as it's much more fun like that.

1. 1461 is commonly given as the date of foundation by the Ottoman Empire of which city, the modern-day capital of Bosnia and Herzegovina?

2. The conclusion of the Thirteen Years War and the Second Peace of Thorn saw one of the final nails in the coffin of the Teutonic Knights, who were forced to cede control of Prussia to which state in 1466?

3. Cosimo de Medici died in 1464 after more than thirty years as de facto ruler of Florence, exerting power through use of his considerable fortune. At this point in time, Florence was officially ruled by the Signoria, a group of 9 priori selected every two months from amongst whom?

4. Having set up his Offizin, or printery, in Strasbourg earlier in the decade, in 1466, Johannes Mentelin printed the first of many bibles to be printed in the vernacular. In the decade to follow, bibles would be printed in Italian, Catalan and Czech, but what language was the Mentelin bible printed in?

5. Feeling a little short of cash in 1469, Christian I of Norway ponied up Shetland and Orkney as security against the payment of a dowry for his daughter Margaret. When he failed to pay, which Kingdom officially annexed the islands?

6. Beginning in 1467, the Ōnin war, an eleven year conflict that left Kyoto in ruins, marks the transition from the Nanboku-chō period into which era of Japanese history, a 150-year period notable marked by near-constant military conflict?

7. Invented in 1467 by Leon Battista Alberti, the polyalphabetic cipher was a step forward in cryptography as it allowed the use of wheels like the one pictured above to switch encryption alphabets during the message. Why was this such a significant advance?

8. I have a soft spot for Pope Pius II because he wrote erotica and generally messed about before ascending to the papacy. I am the proud owner of a lovely edition of his autobiography, written in the third person because he was just that cool. He died in Ancona on the Adriatic coast of modern Italy in 1464, what was he doing there?

9. The 1460's saw the rise of Tenguella as chief of the Fula people, still the largest nomadic people group in the world, and a large influence in the spread of Islam in Northern and then Western Africa. Under Tenguella, as the Empire of Grat Fulo, the Fula were again on the move, out of Senegal into which modern-day state?

10. 'Catholicons' were important books in Europe the late 15th century, and one of the more notable examples,the Catholicon Armoricum, was written in 1464 in Tréguier, Brittany, modern-day France. You still come across Catholicons all the time, though under which more common name are they now known?

Please leave your answers in the comments below. Thanks for playing and for dropping by, and I hope to see you (and to visit your blog) during Blaugust 2017.

Blaugust 20/31: Prhyme Ministers

There's this sucker called Belghast who let's people into his blogging festival without vetting them appropriately.

This post is dedicated, with my humblest apologies, to Blair Trewin at the BOM.

Every year, after Blaugust, myself, my good friend Dan, and any other poor buggers that we can con into it participate in the festival of Raptember, the purpose of which is to duke it out to decide which of us is the hippest and the hoppest. The medium, freshly-composed raps, aiming for one each week. I ALWAYS fall short of this goal, and one of the reasons for this is that I tend to attempt ludicrously ambitious projects.

Almost a year after Blaugust 2014, I've finally finished a draft version of one of those projects, which I share with you here now because you've been so friendly dropping by for the last three weeks, and I think it's time for you all to know just how phat I really am.

Here's the video, best enjoyed with your speakers on maximum volume. Trigger warnings for imitation Victorian accents, poor production value, left-wing biased content and bad suits apply.

Sir Edmund Barton, I invented Federation,

out of colonies divisive carved a new and greater nation.

And I started off in style, White Australia Policy,

'cause the Chinese and White folk were not made for equality.

Alfred Deakin's the name, the father of Protectionism,

Took Ed's job and then I got him a plumb High Court position.

It's hard to get much done when you're in minority,

but I must have done alright, I got a university.

I'm Chris Watson, youngest PM you ever knew

and I led the Labor party when we spelt it with a "U".

We got a third of the seats, but every vote we make advances.

Not passing all that many laws, but we're taking all our chances.

I'm Reid, George Reid, they call me "Yes-No".

My free trade philosophy it ain't got long to go.

But I ain't getting nothing done, and it's a fact that I'm quittin',

going home to be elected to the parliament in Britain.

Guess who's back? Alfred Deakin. An' I'm still the real deal.

I'll build the first non-British navy in the British Commonweal.

I tried conscription, rescued New Guinea from the Poms,

dreamed up the Bureau of Statistics then I set us up the BOM.

They call me Andrew Fisher, I'm the future of Labor,

setting stages for the scenes that I'll be back to act out later.

We're the party for the people, raising pensions all around,

and we'll pay with brand new taxes which we'll raise in Aussie pounds.

Guess who's back, back again? Yep, It's Deakin, ol' neighbour.

Got a newer bigger party I can use to battle Labor;

CLP, baby, but we're 'the Fusion' in a fight.

Might be the Judas of the left but I'm messiah to the Right.

Yo, it's Fisher, I'm back, and this time in majority.

Reforming everything from postage to leave for maternity.

And I'll finally end the battle between Melbourne and Sydney;

I'll move the capital to Canberra in the brand new ACT.

I am Joseph Cook, elected with a hostile senate,

made untenable by virtue of the Labor men within it.

So I triggered an election and it might have been enough,

but a war broke out in Europe and then my chances were stuffed.

Hey, it's Fisher again, a proven hand on the tiller,

but I'm a little ill now, and I'm just gonna get iller,

I'm backing England every shilling, but in the most trying time,

I'm going AWOL from my post and I gotta resign.

I'm up next, the 'little digger', aka Billy Hughes;

Noisesome demagogue in peacetime getting Aussies their dues.

I led Labor, then I started up my own parties twice.

Resigned the job then got appointed again, ain't that nice?

I am Stanley Bruce, war hero and Gallipoli witness,

building economy, I wanna be the friend to all business.

You know I formed the AFP, also the CSIRO,

but my reforms made unions mad, I lost my seat and gotta go.

James Scullin's the name, I could have been a reformer,

but the Depression was Great, and robbed me of my Nessun Dorma.

Through corruption and division, didn't meet with my goals,

the Labor party split apart, and we got wrecked in the polls.

I'm Joseph Lyons yet another new defector from Labor,

I lead a party of my own I call United Australia.

I was Tasmania's favourite son, universally admired,

but after seven years in charge I had a heart attack and died.

The name's Earle Page, I wasn't in charge for that long,

but got a suburb, a Division, and a verse in this song,

On the Prime Minister's Avenue there's a bust of my face.

Not too bad for only holding down a job twenty days.

I'm Menzies, and you'd better get used to me, bro.

I'll stand astride the land like the Colossus of Rhodes.

I'll be back stronger, for longer, so calm all your fears.

Going now but I'll be back to rule for seventeen years.

Artie Fadden, Country leader, both the party and nation.

The UAP got desperate so I led the Coalition.

They call me "Flood Fadden", reigned for forty days and nights,

then some members crossed the floor: I guess we weren't watertight.

I'm Curtin, if you're unemployed, or widowed, or unfed,

or Indigenous, or pregnant, or retired or dead,

got a benefit for you; and on the side I'll win the war,

with alliances all 'round. Then I'll knock on Hades' door.

Frankie Forde is the name, caretaker filling Curtin's shoes

I'm gonna try to make it stick but it's a ballot I'll lose.

In the shortest term ever, my days are numbered at eight.

Ben Chifley's got the numbers, I'm resigned to my fate.

Yeah, Ben Chifley's got the numbers, and here's one you can learn

I passed Two-hundred ninety-nine reforms in one three-year term.

We'll have a Snowy Mountain Scheme to power New South Wales, yo.

And Qantas and the PBS, the ANU and ASIO.

Sir Robert Menzies, and I hope that you remember me well.

Founder of the Liberals with a capital L.

Representing 'gainst the left, for the forgotten middle classes,

and I'm here to kick those commie Labor buggers on their arses.

I'm Harold Holt, I never thought old Bob there would quit.

You don't know nothing 'bout my term, but you all know my exit.

Disappeared, presumed drowned, but please don't think me a fool.

One day soon I'll give my name to a memorial swimming pool!

John "Black Jack" McEwen, - yet another stand-in

leader of the Country party. Gonna have a hand in

making sure McMahon won't be the leader while I'm sittin'.

Not if the Liberals want to keep themselves a working coalition.

John Gorton, a senator in charge of the nation?

The Westminster tradition will just have to be patient.

For a little while there I ran the place without a seat,

and I cast the final vote that kicked me back to Deputy.

They call me Billy McMahon, because that is my name.

Fifth straight Country/Liberal PM, my claim to fame.

Minister for twenty years, now I'm facing rejection.

PM for twenty months, but never won an election.

It's time for Labor again, I'm the unstoppable Gough.

With 23 years to plan, three years might not be enough.

Uni fees got removed, each urban home got a sewer,

then I suffered the Dismissal at the hands of John Kerr.

Malcolm Fraser, I'm a Liberal, and I know what it means.

Put SBS on the TV, and I admitted refugees.

I like my coalition strong, and my dissolutions double,

Called a surprise election 'cause I think this Hawke guy is trouble.

I'm Bob Hawke, if it's trouble that you want then I'm here.

I'm a lover, and a fighter, love my sport and my beer.

I went and floated the dollar, then I created Medicare.

You want a national song, how 'bout Advance Australia Fair?

They call me Keating, Australia's Placido Domingo.

Out of the shadow of Hawke, in charge and doing ya slow.

You gotta believe me that this recession was vital.

Got a vision of Republic and of nation title.

Honest John Howard, the Aussie battlers vote for me.

I'm instituting gun control, and setting up the GST.

I'm Araldited in place, won't give the job to Costello.

Be sending troops to Iraq, and 'sylum seekers to hell-o.

Ruddy's the name, ruddy's the complexion.

Beat Johnny in my Kevin '07 election.

Signed the Kyoto Protocol, and I made The Apology,

then the faceless men of Labor bloody went and backstabbed me.

I'm the woman in charge, they call me Julia Gillard,

took us a hundred years to get here and the mysogony's still hard.

Moving forward though the parliament is dangerously hung,

but in taxing mines and carbon left my polls in the dung.

Hey, it's Kevin back again for the upcoming election.

I don't hold a grudge at all for my unsightly ejection.

Fair shake of the sauce bottle, it's come down to this;

a vote for me's a vote for starting up an ETS.

Tony Abbott, I'm the PM at the end of this song.

Far too soon to judge my story while it's still goin' on.

But it's fair to say my stopping things'll put me on the map;

Stopped the boats, the carbon tax, and now I'm gonna stop the rap.

If you feel like I was unfair to your favourite Aussie PM, why not drop me a line, maybe we can give their verse a bit of a face-lift before version 3.

Blaugust 6/31: Dr. Dolittle's Circus

Thursday's are the day that I've left open and free-form for Blaugust, in the hopes of inspiring something new and exciting instead. In the absence of that, though, let me show you a political cartoons I made this week.

(Warning: This post contains Australian politics and racy language. The two often go hand-in-hand for some reason.)

If you don't follow Australian politics, you're missing out, as the last few weeks have been completely focused on the important business of finding out which of our national politicans has most profitably misused their parliamentary travel allowance. There have been many interesting cartoons, and a seemingly infinite number of helicopter memes, made out of the ensuing scandal, and as the dust settles our government again has egg on its face and the Speaker of the House has resigned having collected enough of them to make a record-breaking omelette. If you're a Usonian or otherwise unfamiliar with Australian politics, you might think that the Speaker is a powerful person: the head of their party, or third in line for the Prime Ministership or some nonsense like that, but that's not how our system works. In Australia the speaker is a largely ceremonial role whose job is to manage the house in session, which appears to the public to involve mostly throwing out people that you don't like, so it could easily, and perhaps more happily, filled by a bit player or even a non-entity, and given the current climate, that might be exactly what the government goes looking for.

This means that we need a new speaker, and the man tipped for the job is none only than the local member for us here at Parliament House, Dr. Andrew Southcott, who is known far and wide (mostly amongst his political opponents, for some reason) as Dr. Dolittle, as the man has an incredibly low profile for someone who's been in the for almost 20 years now. Since it's an obvious joke that I'm sure all the real cartoonists with actual skill will be making some better variant of soon enough if and when he is announced as the man to fill Bronwyn Bishop's comfortable chair, I thought I'd better get this little number up now, just in case.

We have a great tradition of political cartoons in Australia, and the working cartoonists of the country go a long way to building a language that even those of us with no artistic skill at all can use to make their idea (relatively) clear to a pre-prepared audience. By this point, I hope that most Australians that have been anywhere near the zeitgeist could tell that Hercules the strongman here is dressed as Prime Minister Tony Abbot, I mean, he's a man in a blue tie, with a surf-life saving cap on. The low-profile Andrew Southcott (as played by Dr. Dolittle himself) is more obscure, of course (I've never seen another cartoon with him in it), but I suspect that will no longer be the case if he gets the nod early next week.

I know it doesn't count as a real cartoon, but in a field where the below image is still considered a work of high art, maybe I have a shot. All in all, I'm rather proud of it!

Fare well until tomorrow, gentle readers.

Dead Man Switch

If you're reading this, I have failed at Blaugust, and am even now looking for a swiftly flowing stream...

This is a Naruto / Hikaru No Go plot bunny that came to me in the middle of the night and just wouldn't go away until I wrote it down. I am sharing it with you all because I am a terrible person, and also because I'm perversely proud of it. If you haven't read Hikaru No Go, do yourself a favour and borrow it from your local library, it's the best manga about a Go-playing ghost around. If you haven't read Naruto, congratulations. If you've read neither, this will probably not make that much sense to you.

I'm basically going to try and tell the story of Hikaru No Go if it happened in the Naruto universe, with Hikaru's quest to become a go pro being replaced with a quest to become a ninja, Hikaru replacing Naruto wholesale and Sasuke replacing Akira. Yes, I expect it to be a terrible schmozzle, but I was having fun, so what the heck. I don't expect to get that far before I get bored of the premise, but let's run with it for now.

The basic idea is that the first chapters of Hikago will form a kind of prologue to Naruto, the insei chapters will correspond with Naruto's passage through the ninja academy, and then the Pro exam will be approximately equivalent to the Chunin exam. By this point I expect the universe to be so hideously malformed that it will collapse in on itself and explode, but if that ever happens we'll blame it on the 'Eye of the Moon' plan.

<-->

The sun set on a regular peaceful day like any other in Kohonagakure. Trainee ninja terrorised escaped family pets, friends casually attacked each other with lethal weapons; and in the civilian quarter, two teenagers explored a storage shed.
"Hikaru, are you sure about this?"
"Grandpa won't mind, he never even comes out here, he won't notice if we borrow some old junk."
Sure, Hikaru didn't plan on ever returning them, but Akari didn't need to know that. There was a lot of  junk in his grandfather's shed, back-issues of magazines piled to the attic roof, old sports equipment littered the floor, he'd never find out if Hikaru acquired a few things. A boy had to live, after all.
Once he edged carefully past the piles near the door, Hikaru found the good stuff, some antique-looking gobans (too heavy to move easily), a set of illustrated hard-bound novels by someone called "The Great Jaraiya-Sama" (too embarrassing to properly examine in front of Akari), and a non-descript, but obviously ancient, scabbard.
"Hey Akari, check this out! Man, my grandpa must have been a total bad-ass when he was younger" he called out as he drew a sword almost as tall as himself out of the scabbard. Even in the dingy half-light of the shed, it was clear that the sword had a razor edge.
"Hikaru! Be careful with that! You could put your eye out!"
"Weird, it's got this strange stain on it, have a look..."
"Don't point it at me! All I can see is a huge sword waving in my face!" 
"Look, it's right there. It's looks like dried blood or something..."
You can see the stain?
"Whoa! Who is it? If you're a burglar you'd better watch out! I'm armed... and dangerous!"
"Keep that thing away from me! If you screw up my haircut, Hikaru, I'll never forgive you!"
Can you hear my voice?
"I mean it! Show yourself!"
"I'm out of here before you poke your eye out or something and try to blame me!" Akari disappeared out of the shed, leaving her friend alone to wonder if he'd just imagined the mysterious voice. He didn't have to wonder for long.
Hikaru felt bewilderment and fear rising up in him as a humanoid shape appeared out of nowhere in front of him, filling his vision. He struggled to keep on top of his emotions, but he didn't do anything dumb and girly like fainting away. Even if neither he nor anyone he knew was a ninja, people appearing out of thin air was a common occurrence in the Village Hidden in the Leaves, it was practically a leaf ninja signature move, after all. Besides, he had a sword.
Thankyou, kami-sama. I will now return to the living world.
Hikaru might have been confronted in his grandfather's shed by the sudden appearance of a strangely-dressed woman (or man?), but he was still an inquisitive twelve-year-old boy. Encouraged by the comforting weight of the sword in his hand, he asked the first thing that popped into his head.
"The living world? Where were you before?"
I was...elsewhere. It is a long story.
"We've got time, you're not going anywhere until you tell me what you're going here."
Oh? It would obvious to anyone that follows the way of the sword that you have no idea what you are doing with that. And even if you did..."/ the man moved towards him passing straight through the sword and Hikaru to the other side, /"...I am a spirit. An earthly sword will not harm me.
"You're a...a spirit...a ghost?"
Please allow to me introduce myself. I am Fujiwara No Sai. When I lived, long, long ago, I was a tutor to the Emperor in swordsmanship and martial arts...

<---->

Hikaru sat in history class and tried not to look too bored.
So, Sai, you were so sad when you couldn't teach any more that you killed yourself? You really like martial arts that much, huh?
Of course I do. When you're facing an opponent in combat, a rival, there's nothing else, just you and he. It's simple and beautiful, like Go.
Go? That old man's game with the black and white stones? Talk about boring.
A game of the mind that is a reflection of battle. Strategy is the key to both.
Bah! They're both boring. I'm not going to play go, and I'm definitely not going to do any fighting. Martial arts is for losers and wannabe ninjas... Suddenly, Hikaru doubled over with a terrible pain in his stomach, like that time he hadn't noticed that he'd drunk week-old milk.
What the hell? I think I'm going to be sick! Sai, is that you?
Sorry! Sometimes when I feel strong emotions they flow over into my host.
Whoa. You were so sad about not being able to fight that you felt like you were going to chuck? You must really love martial arts.
I really do, Hikaru.
I thought you were taking over my body or something. Like a horror movie, you know.
I would never do that without your consent!
But you could, though, right?
I could, but only if you were willing for me to do so. I'm not strong enough to overcome your conscious control of your body.
This is weird. You've done this before, haven't you, Sai? Like, you've had other hosts before?
Once before. Hundreds of years ago now. There was a man called Bennosuke. I found him when he was very young, and we travelled all over Japan, fighting in many duels and battles. In his body, I met and fought many strong opponents...

<---->

"Shindo. Are you daydreaming again?" His teacher's voice interrupted their conversation. 
"Ah...sorry. What were we doing again?"
"You were writing about the Heian period. And if you're not nearly done you're going to fail. Again."
"Don't worry, sensei! I'm on it!"
Hey Sai, what do you know about the Heian period?
The Heian period? But that was when I was alive. What do you want to know?
Great! How about you try taking over for a bit and write in the answers for me?
Hikaru, are you sure?
Hey, I can't do this myself, I never listen to this guy, he's really boring. It'd be nice to surprise my grandpa by actually passing history for once. I'll get my body back when I want it, right?
Of course. Very well, this will feel a little strange.
A sensation like an ice-pack being slipped inside his shirt filled Hikaru's whole body, and all of a sudden he was outside his own body, watching the back of his head from where Sai had been just moments earlier.
Weird. Really weird.
Do you want to switch back, Hikaru?
No, I'm ok, I think. Besides, I have to get something handed up at the end of this lesson.
It took him a little while, but eventually he got more used to it, and settled down to watch Sai fill in his assignment with flowing and intricate calligraphy that was so foreign to Hikaru's habitual scrawl that it might have been another language altogether. Something about the Emperor and his concubines... Hehe. His teacher and his grandpa wouldn't know what hit them.

<---->

Hikaru's teacher had been putting off the chore of marking the last paper in the stack for an hour now. It wasn't that Hikaru was a bad student, exactly, he was just easily distracted, and one more graphic description of a soccer match allegedly occurring between rival armies might be enough to ensure a fail mark for the term, or give his teacher a mental breakdown. Taking a deep breath and steeling himself for the worst, he turned it over and began to read...
*thump*
The sound of chair and body hitting the ground brought the teachers from the nearby offices running.

<---->

Walking home took a lot longer than usual, since Sai had never been in a ninja village before and had stop to examine every little thing, from the televisions in shop windows to the display of ornamental kunai. Hikaru kept having to wait for him, causing the nearby shopkeepers to eye him suspiciously.
As he doubled back to look for whatever had distracted Sai this time, he found the spirit lurking in a tree looking over the old Uchiha compound. Everyone in the village, ninja and civilian, knew what had happened to the Uchiha.
Hikaru! Hikaru! Look at this!
Whoa. Sai, come down from there. People don't go near the compound! There's like a family of ghost ninjas haunting it and they might kill you or something.
But Hikaru, I'm already dead! And look, that boy seems to be alive.
Hikaru climbed up beside Sai to see what he was looking at. In a small maintained area in an otherwise overground training ground, Uchiha Sasuke was performing a kata at ever-increasing speeds, flinging his body around as he dispatched hordes of imaginary attackers.
Oh, yeah. That's the last Uchiha. His brother went mad a few years back and killed everyone else in his whole clan.
Look in his eyes! Like a hawk ready to pounce on its prey! For one so young to be so committed to the arts of war...ooh!
He's a ninja! Bred and trained from birth as a killing machine. And you want to fight him?!
Yes! Oh, can I?
If you get beat up, won't it hurt me?
Hikaru! Trust me. I'll look after your body, just let me fight him!
Well, if you can do my history homework for me, I guess I can at least let you have one little spar. Just be careful with my body, OK?
Of course.
Hikaru leapt down from the tree and fought his way through the undergrowth to the training ground.
"Hey, Uchiha. Fight me!"

<-->

Talk about out of practice. All I can say is that most thirteen year-olds write better than I do, and I'm sure that I wrote better when I was thirteen too. I am truly sorry.

The Game that Ruins Friendships

There was movement in old Europe, for the word had passed around

that Diplomacy once more was up for play.

So they mustered up their forces, in for penny, in for pound,

'til all the hacks had gathered for the fray.

All the tried and noted stabbers from the nations near and far

had gathered round the game board for the fight.

For the rulers love hard talking, from the Archduke to the Tsar, 

and the Sultan snuffs the battle with delight.

There was Kaiser John, who wore with style his Pickelhaulbe hat.

King Max's knife was itching in the dark.

But few were nicer Archdukes than when Sam was titled that.

The Old Man was personified by Mark.

Then Hywel the newly-minted pope turned up to try his hand,

no sooner he than Nick the Frog, he came,

and numbers were completed by Kevin of Russian land.

As finer bunch as ever played the game.

...

Just when you thought that my horrible massacring of rhyme and meter over the year couldn't get any worse, I'm back at it, warming up for Raptember with a little take off of the Banjo to commemorate the new email Diplomacy game that I've just starting up with some fellow Blaugustines and other members of EVAC. If all goes to plan, I'll be running this game for the next three or four months, giving me lots of gaming content to fill up the always difficult Thursday slot and lots of opportunities to turn my hand to the making of ditties.

It should be a nice chance for me to share my love of diplomacy with others without feeling conflicted about wanting to destroy them in order to win the game for myself, so I'll greatly enjoy watching all the diplomacy take place from the safety of the sidelines. And of course, since this is Diplomacy we're talking about, I'll probably spend a lot of time trying to soften the blows to shattered egos and attempting to reduce the number of international conflicts being solved by assassination.

I don't have much more to say, so let me leave you with the opening lines of the textbook on the game, Richard Sharp's The Game of Diplomacy:

In a changing world, some things do not change. It may be fashionable to decry the simple Virtues, but we still like to find them in our friends. Loyalty, honesty, frankness, gratitude, chivalry, magnanimity - these are the hallmarks of the good friend, the good husband and father, the nice guy we all hope our daughters will marry.

In the amoral world of Diplomacy, however, they are the hallmarks of the born loser. If a fallen enemy reaches out a hand for assistance, the wise man lops it off. If a friend does you a good turn when you’re down, wait until he’s down, then beat him to death. If an ally asks for your help in planning the next season’s moves, give it freely and copiously, then do the reverse of what you agreed and let him take the counter-attack. Try to surround yourself with people who trust you, then let them down; find an ally who will gladly die for you and see that he does just that.

I love this game.

The Press War: Said Russian Dan

Of course, you can't get away with that sort of thing in the press releases before somebody responds, in this case my erstwhile Russian colleague with this little riff on an old favourite of mine, Said Hanrahan, by P.J. Hartigan.

"We'll all be rooned," said Italy
In accents of despair,
And turned from France most bitterly
with cunning plots to share.

The politicians stroked their maps
Of nations set for war,
And talked of fleets, and stabs, and traps,
Like every year before.

"If we're to last," came Turkey's call,
"Bedad, to hold our ground,
Sevastopol this year must fall - 
It's Russia we must hound."

"Don't turn on me," Russia bemoaned,
"My force is scant and spread.
For Trieste Rome has not atoned;
It's he whom we need dead."

"I had no choice! I needed lands!"
Came Italy's reply,
"We'll all be rooned if France expands,
To Paris turn your eye."

"Ah, 'méfiez-vous de tout le monde'"
Was all that France could quote,
"Wake up! The Germans have you conned!
Quick, seize the Kaiser's throat!"

"Fight me?" The Gothic leader's eyes,
were wide with great alarm,
"'Tis clearly Britain I despise.
When did I do you harm?"

"They would not dare to turn on me,"
The King of England laughed,
"And any Austrians I see
will soon in brine be bathed."

"My army's strong, and though you'll try
You'll never reach this far,"
The Archduke crowed, "The Turk strike I,
While Ank S Con to BLA"

Once friends and allies, now as stones:
their treaties left to rot.
With ears blocked to conspi'ring tones,
They each alone did plot.

Just then a ray of hope appeared,
"Lets play Ticket to Ride."
And so, just as the Germans feared,
we ruled their countryside.

The Press War

While we're ripping off better poets, let me also share with you a couple of snippets from my ongoing diplomacy game (now down to three players thanks to a debilitating move to Trieste last turn). The press in this game has been a lot of fun, as after our earlier rap efforts, we turned to other sources for inspiration. These verses followed my Spring 1901 move to Trieste, and was mainly (and somewhat unwisely) directed at taunting the Austrian.

"You are weak, Father Thomas," the young Archduke stressed,
"And your armies are looking quite green;
And yet you incessantly hold in Trieste-
Just what, by such moves, do you mean?"

"In my youth," Father Thomas replied "My dear son
I feared it might injure my chances;
But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
It was either steal yours; or steal France's"

"You are weak," said the Duke "As I mentioned before,
And have grown uncommonly haughty;
And so you have marched your men up to my door-
Don't you think that's a little bit naughty?"

"In my youth," said the Pope, "I rented my corps
To nations in martial trouble;
The price of these legions, one centre,-or four-
Allow me to lend you a couple"

"You are weak, Father Ted, and I'd hardly suppose,
That your wit was as present as ever;
But your scheming is keeping my troops on their toes-
What made you so awfully clever?"

"In my youth," he replied "I studied the moon,
and I wrestled with bears in my prime.
Your neighbours and 'allies' all dance to my tune;
We'll take all your centres in time."

"You are weak," said the Duke, with a wry little smirk,
"If you hurt me you know that you'll rue it.
Yet you plot with the Tsar and you plot with the Turk-
Pray, how do you think that you'll do it?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough;"
Said the Pope "You're alone for the rest!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off! Or I'll take Budapest!"

Raptember V: Rap-ematica

It took me a couple of weeks of on and off work to pull this monsterpiece together, but I am perversely proud of it. If I ever find the time, I will be hoping to make a music video based on this little gem from my childhood, but for now you just get the lyrics.

So-ciety, let's wig it!

Ice-ak-Newton...

Ice-ak Newton...

All right, stop.

Put a plug in all your ructions.

'Ice' is here with my brand new deduction.

Something of importance so heightened,

at the end of the age we will all be Enlightened.

Why do apples drop? Yo, you don't know?

Turn up the lights, and I'll show.

Something extreme to rock your naive world-model,

mess with your head, and contradict Aristotle.

First,

We need a bit of background.

Oblige me a while as I attempt to expound.

In Hist'ry, 'til we get to Gallileo

(you're gonna need this to get it to the full, yo),

they said objects stopped 'less you interfered

and when he disagreed, said he was weird.

Seems there's a problem? Yo, I solved it.

Check it out, Hooke, while my DJ revolves it...

Ice-ak Newton... Inertia

Ice-ak Newton... Inertia

Ice-ak Newton... Inertia

Ice-ak Newton... Inertia

Law:

That "An object in motion

continues to move (like waves on the ocean),

constant in speed, in constant direction,

unless it's compelled by a force of deflection".

No aether or classical elements

are in action, just rational events.

This is also why a body at rest

will stay right there. Now, ain't you impressed?

Hold on, because I ain't done.

Yo, my Mathematica's just begun.

I'm not just re-statin',

time to get creatin'.

Am I done? No! I'm cognatin'!

Keep on attending to the next one.

Ain't stopping me now, 'cause I'm getting to the real fun.

Momentum time.

Law:

Let me continue to "F = m a (multiplied)".

F is force acting upon a center.

m is the mass (as defined by me elsewhere).

a is the change in the speed

on time (acceleration's the word that we need).

Concept's so revolutionary,

when a unit is defined I guess they'll name it after me.

Clearly, from here can be inferred

that momentum has to be conserved.

Fallin' like an apple, real fast,

down from the tree, onto the grass.

A force is acting, to bring it to ground,

bringing that mass its way, sure as the earth is round.

From where comes this flow, and why is it so?

Just let me say, hypotheses non fingo!

Seems there's a problem? Yo, I'm solvin'.

Check it out, Hooke: Why the world is revolvin'.

Ice-ak Newton... Gravity

Ice-ak Newton... Gravity

Ice-ak Newton... Gravity

Ice-ak Newton... Gravity

Take heed, 'cause I'm a physical poet,

discovery machine, just in case you didn't know it.

Law: see that "Each and every action

has an equal and opposite reaction,

in opposing direction". You know it's true,

push on a stone, and feel the stone pushing you.

For engineering, this is a critical concept.

Isaac Newton. I authored these notions,

I've given to you all my laws of motion.

If there is credit due, 'snot mine,

belongs to all science.

Seen further by standing on the shoulders of giants.

Knighthood, your Highness? Then I'll take it, I guess.

Thankyou all for your time. That concludes my address.

Seems there's a problem? Yo, I'm solvin'.

Check it out, Hooke: Why the world is revolvin'.

Ice-ak Newton... Show's over

Ice-ak Newton... Show's over

Ice-ak Newton... Show's over

Ice-ak Newton... Show's over

Yo man, let's get out of here.

Word to your professor.

 
It doesn't scan that nicely, I know, but I feel like it holds reasonably true to the original, which does'nt either, and with rap it's pretty easy to cheat. That concludes Raptember 2012, and few raps short, but it gives me something to aim for next year. If you want to be in the music video, let me know.

Raptember II: Can't Build This

Dan Thomas, an old friend of mine with too much time on his hands, is never one to back down from a challenge, so this was his contribution for the next week or raptember, with apologies to M.C. Hammer and the public at large:

 

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

 

My- my- my-

my pictures hit me, so hard,

with their blatant disregard
for the, laws of physics;
No Euclid for these graphics.
Goodbye, to old Newton,
now left is right and up is down.
I'm not, unskilled.
and this is a house (uh) you can't build.

I told you, Darboux...
You can't build this.
Yeah, that's not realistic, and you know...
You can't build this.
Look at my stairs, man.
You can't build this.
Yo, let this world melt before your eyes.
You can't build this.

All my pics, are great.
Now a fish and duck gonna tessellate.
Water, flowin' uphill

drivin' my perpetual watermill.
Your mouths are... agape
I'm sketchin' my reflection on convex shape.
With chairs. And shelves.
Meanwhile my hands are drawin' themselves.
This art ain't... for the weak willed.
This is a house (uh) you can't build.

Yo, I told you;
You can't build this.
How you standing there man?
You can't build this.
Get down before you come unstuck there.
You can't build this.

My list of works, carries on

nonconvex regular polyhedron

which, they hype

as a dodecahedron of the stellated type

with doors. Inside

a dozen turtles, together reside.

In my, pic called

Metamorphosis III chess towns unfold

into, strange birds

and fish and bees, then squares and then words.

Right to left, of course, you know...

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

Break it down.

...

 

Stop. Escher time.

The unknown sect's, ritual

continues up and down the constant, eternal

stair case, recalcitrant folk

briefly rebel, then conform to the main yolk

of our, social system.

Penrose triangle, the cube with ribbon,

im-pos-sible

as another set of stairs where you fall, fall, fall, fall

Yeah,

You can't build this.

Look man,

You can't build this.

There ain't no council, boy, will ever approve this,

You can't build this.

"This structure's, too unsound"...

Break it down.

...

Stop. Escher time.

...

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

Break it down.

...

Stop. Escher time.

Then I play some mind games, and draw my picture's sane

I leave you to try to find what's wrong within the frame.

My impact is so great, that when you try

your sure there's something wrong with, a real pond or sky.

My works have influenced, Lemmings and Doctor Who,

Sonic, Marvel, DC, Yu Gi Oh, Pokémon, rip-off clones and Zelda too.

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

You can't build this.

 

Yeah,

You can't build this.

I told you,

You can't build this.

Uh-oh!

Can't build this.

Oh, what have I done?

Can't build this.

 

That was going to be a hard one to beat. I thought that I was up to the challenge, but it took me a while to come up with a response, and in the mean time, Dan didn't let up...